If you are lucky enough to still be in the very beginning stages with a narcissist, here are the things to look out for so that you can make a healthy decision for yourself.
All narcissists have to test their “supply”. Since they do not feel feelings, any relationship they have is only there to feed their ego. Hence the slang for any person they have any type of relationship with is referred to as “supply”. When a narcissist is first dating, they ”test” by causing some type of prolonged pain to see what your reaction will be. Usually, at that early point, it will not be an overwhelming pain, that only comes later. I’m talking about doing things like driving you to a party and when you want to go home, they will ignore you and you have no way to leave. Thankfully, it’s different now than when I went through it. There is Uber or other taxis as long as you are in a safe neighborhood where they will come to pick you up. Make sure you always have money on you and keep it in your pocket. They will push pain points that are small enough to get away with. This will give them the understanding of how you will react. What they’re looking for is to see if you have self-confidence and healthy boundaries. If you have those things, they will know what they need to work on to break that down.
Years back this happened to. I was very young, I worked the 3 to 11 shift at a convenience store, and my new boyfriend wanted me to come and visit him after work. Excited, I agreed. Understand that there were no cell phones, no GPS, only physical maps back then. He was staying in Newark. Newark was known for drugs and gun violence as it still is today. I was fresh out of high school, and, as young people do, I thought I knew so much about the world though I had never been to a dangerous neighborhood like that before. I got lost in Newark. Really, I was in physical danger, though I did not understand that at the time. I drove around for 4 hours, night residents taking pleasure in sending me into worse neighborhoods upon being asked for directions, until I finally got to his place. I just wanted to sleep, but instead he kept all the bright lights on and blasted music as loud as possible. His friend was there and said to me ”You know what he’s doing don’t you? He’s testing you.” I had absolutely no idea what he meant.
If you are unlucky enough to date a narcissist, at least understand what the signs are because when they happen, if you don’t get out at that time, prepare yourself for massive pain. If you don’t get out when you have even a shred of self-confidence left, the pain will be almost unbearable. If you are unlucky enough to be enamored with them, you might even think you love them already, listen deeply. You might fight anyone who tells you to get out. But my question is this, what do you really want for yourself? Do you want to defend your passion for this manipulative, cruel person who is going to break down your self confidence, intentionally smash through every boundary you have made clear, and have great fun making you curl into a lump of insecurity and distrust, only to “discard” you in the end? Or, do you want to be happy in an actual love relationship? Will you give all those out there who are now speaking out on it a chance? I know how impossible it feels to see this in someone you feel so strongly about, but if these warning signs are there, especially one as strong as this one, testing, take notice, because getting over it after you’re “discarded” doesn’t happen overnight. It takes a long time and a lot of pain and heartache. How much time do you want to take out of your precious life?
Some warning signs:
They do not defend your honor
They are noncommittal about what your relationship Is toward others, though you are together constantly
They put you down in front of others then call it a joke when you confront them about it
They test you (No. They are not testing your “love”)
They find ways to make them look good and you look stupid, incapable, bad or wrong
They are charming and disarming with a well placed smile, most often directly after they have done or said something cruel
They never, ever, ever self reflect, or, if they do, it is used to either make you look bad or to evoke sympathy in you or others
These are just some of the early warning signs. If you notice any of these, sit down with yourself and start writing out all the scenarios. Be matter of fact. Keep a separate notepad and date everything, because the “Gaslighting” stage will come, and you will need this to keep your thinking straight. This notepad will be your strength. Get one that is your favorite color. To help you remember all those little details about yourself that you love so well…as you will one day appreciate the full value of.
~Janice M. Burke
Inspire yourself and others! Put down your baggage and wear your Recovery!
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