When we grow up in an abusive household of any type, pure allegiance and trust (especially of the abusers) is required. If we went about telling people what was actually going on, those outside our circle would surely raise an eyebrow. They may even call the authorities on the perpetrators. So the first thing in these types of situations is instilling an allegiance and trust to the family.
Forewarning, if you notice these traits in yourself, don’t panic! The only way to change is to recognize them in yourself in the first place!
This allegiance and trust mindset carries over into adulthood for the children who have experienced this type of conditioning. The abused children, now adults, will ask others, sometimes perfect strangers, things like “Don’t tell so and so I’m friends with you” or “Don’t tell so and so that we are talking”. Behavior like this will often come directly on the heels of meeting a new person who is pure adrenaline gossip. They will suck you into a story about someone (you may even know them, but not well) that makes your heart pound and then soon after, try to develop that immediate allegiance. Some of them understand what they are doing, others have these traits so embedded that they are truly unaware of their actions.
Either way, if someone is asking for that allegiance to them so early on in the relationship, let that be a red flag. Sit down with yourself after leaving their company and pour through all the various stories they have just fed to you. Usually, there will be partial truths to each, which can leave you confused and make differentiation more difficult. If you see inconsistencies, it might be best to step back from the person and really think about it more. Whether on purpose or unconscious, these stories have great potential to damage a person’s reputation without a solid understanding of the person being talked about. It is very easy to be sucked into fear and adrenaline. These types of stories are often based in that. When fear and adrenaline take over our minds and bodies, the story, fabricated or not, will solidify and take over. This is the basis of how many news medias operate. Using fear and excitement, the information will bypass both our logic and intuition. Just think of all those short sentence social media posts that are just fear and adrenaline, yet have no base in reality, and you will quickly understand how this is so. These inflammatory statements are designed to wrap the reader in that fight or flight response. It demands, just like the stories of the neighborhood gossip, full attention on fear and, often, shock as well.
How many hours have you spent at your workplace discussing things that you know nothing of yet are afraid of, disgusted by, or shocked by? When you step back from the people who are speaking in this way, and calm your parasympathetic nervous system back down (through breath or taking a walk outside), you may well be able to recognize how both your logic and intuition have been bypassed through an adrenaline pumping story.
This can be quite difficult for most of us who are addicted to this feeling. Most of us are addicted to adrenaline in some way. Who do you know that drinks no caffeine whatsoever? Who do you know that drinks or consumes no sugar? These are substances that cause adrenaline to pump in our system. Our whole societal mindset is about creating a false narrative of constant excitement. We are addicted to it. Until we learn to value and appreciate peace and calm without finding it “boring”, we cannot change these patterns in ourselves and will continuously be the cause of or sucked in to negativity and fear in our environment.
Adrenaline can be fun as long as we learn to save it for appropriate things. Skiing, surfing, climbing, mountain biking, public speaking or simply heart pounding exercise, can be appropriate outlets to experience the fun side of adrenaline without harming ourselves or others (hopefully!) Other than that, leaving adrenaline for moments when we need to get away from a dangerous situation is a far better use of it. It will allow us to live our lives without living in a constant state of anxiety, fear or anger.
-Janice M. Burke
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