You Don’t Need to ‘Calm Down.’ You Need Tools.

When someone is intentionally hurting you... what do you do? Do you lash out? Or do you shut down and clam up?

Learning how to manage your emotions isn't about not having them. A trauma survivor can ride out dozens of emotional storms in a single day—sometimes in a single hour. Or less. Emotional regulation is about learning those core tools that actually get you where you want to be. Not suppressing. Not avoiding. Not pretending you’re fine.

It’s about coming back to yourself. Over and over.

Breathing techniques. Body-centered stretches. Physical movement—yoga, walking, dancing, scrubbing the kitchen floor like your life depends on it. Getting out in nature and letting the sunshine touch your skin. Doing something with the emotion. Or giving yourself enough space from it to see it clearly, maybe for the first time.

Working with your Inner Child is one of the most powerful ways to regulate your emotions. When you're triggered, start talking to your inner child like they're right in front of you—because emotionally, they are. Ask them what's wrong. Ask what they need. And when they answer, don’t dismiss it. Respond with truth. With safety. With love.

Because when you learn to regulate yourself, triggers lose their power. They don’t own you anymore.You still feel them... but now you can face them.You don't drown in them for hours, days, weeks, or months. You don't get stuck in the emotional residue that used to keep you hostage.

Let me ask you...do you want to sit in your house, trapped in your body, stuck in that old pain? Or do you want to feel your breath, walk into the sunlight, and reclaim your body?

Do you want to live in fear, anxiety, and emotional shutdown? Because that’s what trauma survivors live with every single time they’re triggered... unless they do something different.

The only way out is in.

Nobody can self-regulate for you. Nobody can pull you back from the edge. You’re the one who has to do the work. You’re the one who has to catch yourself in the middle of the storm and choose something different.

And if you don’t know how yet? Then it’s on you to learn.

You can’t use tools you’ve never learned.You can’t wing it when you’re having a full-blown nervous system hijack. You need tools. Real ones. Not just “take a deep breath” and hope for the best. Not when your brain is firing off primal fear signals.

So... have you taken time to learn these skills?

Start with something simple. Like Boxed Breathing.

In for four.

Hold for four.

Out for four.

Hold for four.

Repeat until the adrenaline backs off and your body starts to come down.

Physical Movement is another lifesaver. Walk. Clean. Dance. Do martial arts in your living room. Run stairs like Rocky. Stretch. Anything that brings you into your body helps get you out of the trigger.

Somatic work has saved me more times than I can count. Run your hands down your arms, down your legs, feel your skin, your muscles. Be here. Not in the past. Not in the fear. Here.

Use your Senses.

Look at 5 different things.

Touch 4 different things.Listen for 3 different sounds.Smell 2 different things.

Taste 1 thing.I keep mints with me for that exact reason—so I can ground through taste when I need to. Even just focusing deeply on one sense can snap you back to safety.

Ask your Inner Child what they’re afraid of. Let them answer. They will. They’ll tell you, even if it’s just a thought or a feeling that floats in. Ask again: are we safe right now? Look around. Use your senses to prove it. Then tell your inner child the truth: We are safe. Right now, in this moment, we are safe.

That conversation alone can pull you back from the edge faster than anything I’ve ever tried.

Meditation helps too—but not the floaty kind. The grounded kind. Chan-style. Sit tall. Don’t lean back. Palms in your lap. Thumb tips touch. Tongue on the roof of your mouth. Head at a 45° angle. Eyes soft —not focused.

Then just breathe and count. From one to ten. Then again. And again. Feel the breath come in. Feel it leave. If a thought comes in, let it float by like a cloud. No judgment. No attachment. Just keep returning to the breath. When you’re done, reconnect to your body. Massage your legs. Ground again.

One more: Delta Breathing. Make your exhales longer than your inhales.

This is the breath your body uses when you sleep. It drops your brain into a Delta state. Perfect when you need to come back from a trigger. These are just some of the tools I’ve used. There are so many more.

You have the power to do this. To feel it... and stay with yourself. To come home to your body, your truth, your peace.

~Janice M. Burke